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Blatant Honesty.

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Three weeks post transplant… physically I am starting to feel better. That is where it gets hard. With feeling better comes the hope of tomorrow. The dreams I have so long been waiting to accomplish. My hopes and dreams, the reality of being able to accomplish them and the fear of failing come clashing together in a barrage of emotions. Add to that family and friends who are well meaning and want the best for me and are excited for my future, yet they have no idea that when they speak of the future how my fears come tumbling forward. Yes, I am doing well physically but I am still recovering. Yes, I am so excited and thankful and I can’t wait to get back to normal life! However, I need to come to terms with it in my own timing. Many transplant patients are still in the hospital at 3 weeks post op. Let me tell you what I know and what you do not need to tell me.

-I know I need to figure out what I want in life.

-I know I need to get a job! And I want one! I can’t wait to go back to work. I am scared though. I am scared of this economy, scared of employers not knowing my character and only seeing my resume with gaps in it.

-I know God has good and perfect plans for me! And it is up to me to lay down my fears and let me tell you it is a daily struggle, but it is my struggle.

-I know I will succeed at life, job, love, in time. Life is about the journey, not the destination. I want to enjoy my recovery and the struggles that come with it that I get to learn from.

-I know that Coleman has been by my side and so many people think that I have become accustomed to leaning on him. When I was sick, I was accustomed to it. Let me tell you, I am so thankful for everything Coleman has done for me, that he has been my rock when I am weak. Let me also say that I am stronger than you think. I will not stand by and continue to live as if I am sick, to lean on him and my parents. I don’t need you to warn me or to be afraid that will be the case. I will move on, in my own time! It has only been 3 weeks since my stomach was sliced open, guts shoved inside me and then I wake up to do it all over again. I need some time to heal. Why must everyone keep talking about how I need to get a job, insurance, etc, etc. I realize everyone has my best interest at heart, I really do. Granted, I feel so much pressure, not only from myself but also now from others. If I don’t get a job, I won’t get insurance and won’t be able to get married. That is enough pressure on me that I kindly ask, please stop talking about me getting a job. I will figure out my future, I will, I promise. I have felt this for a few weeks now but today there was a straw that broke this camels back. Forgive me if this is the prednisone making me crazy and emotional.

The only thing to fear is fear itself.

F.E.A.R is False Evidence Appearing Real.

What is real? God and His promises to us. That is what I will stand on!


About Kortni

I received a living donor liver transplant from my amazing and selfless sister, when it failed, I got a 2nd transplant 4 days later from my other hero! I have an amazing family and wonderful, supportive boyfriend. I love hiking, photography, natural health care, being outdoors and crafts. Did I mention that Jesus is my best friend and He has blessed me immeasurably!

11 responses »

  1. Dear Korntni,

    You go right ahead and let those feeling out. I know where they are coming from. I also know that people are kind and caring, and while thinking they are doing you a favor and helping you they are actually hurting an already aching scar. Go right ahead and cry it out. Go right a head and feel the pain…because Kortni it is real. You are one tough cookie and one day you will wake up and wonder how you made it…..but you wll also realize that you did!

    • Thank you Joe. I have always battled with fearing what people will think so this post was a challenge for me to actually publish because it is so raw. It is good for me though. I am not angry at anyone, I am simply frustrated. I am so grateful that I have people that love me enough to care about my future but you are right, they don’t realize what is going on behind the scenes. I can’t wait to wake up a year from now and see how far God has brought me and to look back at this post and laugh at how silly it will probably seem. Until then, I will choose to enjoy my good days and my bad. Thanks for the encouragement! =)

  2. Kortni, You do not have to do anything until God says “this is the way now walk in it”. I do not know Gods plan but is good! I trust him with all my heart, my life and the lives of my family. He can do whatever he decides when “He prepares the path before me.” He has had you walk a very difficult path and He has brought you through to this place at this moment. Continue to “turn your eyes upon Jesus and look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim the the light of his glory and grace.”:
    Love and blessings
    Betty H

  3. Kortni,

    Whatever you feel is valid–Prednisone-induced or not. And yes, Prednisone is wicked that way, but truthfully, what really matters is that allowing yourself to feel and express whatever you’re feeling is part of the healing process. Speaking your truth, whatever it is in that moment, releases all that stuck energy so that new, healing energy can flow in and do its good work. Those that love you will understand where you’re coming from and those of us on a similar journey will be encouraged by your honesty and feel validated in our own emotional struggles. Bravo for your honesty, your willingness to be vulnerable, and for showing up just as you are.


  4. Yes! I think we’ve all dealt with this! There was a long thread in another group awhile ago about when or if someone got a job after transplant and when. Some do, some don’t! Some people go to work very soon post transplant, and the…y find that it’s too soon! You’re right, you don’t need “reminders”, you think about this stuff all the time!! I was a hot mess after transplant, for many reasons, and I felt the way you do. Insurance issues are enough to scare you to death. I was supposed to get married 5/15/10, but instead I was in the hospital waiting for my heart. Then post I was nervous, thinking should we get married? Should we wait? His insurance isn’t great…how much is this, how much is that…some of this is Pred talking, but mostly it’s not…the Pred just heightens your worries. Your ONLY job right now is to heal and recover. That’s it. 15 months later we are married, just moved into our own home (on 5/15/11!) & I have spent the summer taking care of my 12yr old and doing fun things…and lots of insomnia…but like will work out. Our faith got us through it all, we will have been married one year on 10/16..we practically eloped and it was awesome! I like your definition of fear! Don’t forget, you have a job right now, and you’re not even getting paid for it!!

  5. You go girl. This is your journey and we all understand. But you should only have to deal with what is going on for yourself and not others. Let it out. No one could possibly be concerned about your honesty and maybe some will learn from it.

  6. Kortni my sweet sweet friend – it is such early days – your body has had a double whammy of surgery and all the drugs that involves, you are coping with a new liver and trying to adjust to the drugs. The emotions are highs and lows and can happen very quickly. You must take care of yourself and set your own standards and goals and time frames – you will know is right for you ,

    People mean well, but when you have faced a terminal illness and now coming back you need to nourish, nurture and restore – take time and I am sure Coleman understands where you are at., Just quietly, gently and in your own time look forward to a beautiful future and be gentle with yourself.

    Love and hugs,
    Linda – another Liver sister – and at three weeks I was still a long way from coming home from hospital.


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