Three weeks post transplant… physically I am starting to feel better. That is where it gets hard. With feeling better comes the hope of tomorrow. The dreams I have so long been waiting to accomplish. My hopes and dreams, the reality of being able to accomplish them and the fear of failing come clashing together in a barrage of emotions. Add to that family and friends who are well meaning and want the best for me and are excited for my future, yet they have no idea that when they speak of the future how my fears come tumbling forward. Yes, I am doing well physically but I am still recovering. Yes, I am so excited and thankful and I can’t wait to get back to normal life! However, I need to come to terms with it in my own timing. Many transplant patients are still in the hospital at 3 weeks post op. Let me tell you what I know and what you do not need to tell me.
-I know I need to figure out what I want in life.
-I know I need to get a job! And I want one! I can’t wait to go back to work. I am scared though. I am scared of this economy, scared of employers not knowing my character and only seeing my resume with gaps in it.
-I know God has good and perfect plans for me! And it is up to me to lay down my fears and let me tell you it is a daily struggle, but it is my struggle.
-I know I will succeed at life, job, love, in time. Life is about the journey, not the destination. I want to enjoy my recovery and the struggles that come with it that I get to learn from.
-I know that Coleman has been by my side and so many people think that I have become accustomed to leaning on him. When I was sick, I was accustomed to it. Let me tell you, I am so thankful for everything Coleman has done for me, that he has been my rock when I am weak. Let me also say that I am stronger than you think. I will not stand by and continue to live as if I am sick, to lean on him and my parents. I don’t need you to warn me or to be afraid that will be the case. I will move on, in my own time! It has only been 3 weeks since my stomach was sliced open, guts shoved inside me and then I wake up to do it all over again. I need some time to heal. Why must everyone keep talking about how I need to get a job, insurance, etc, etc. I realize everyone has my best interest at heart, I really do. Granted, I feel so much pressure, not only from myself but also now from others. If I don’t get a job, I won’t get insurance and won’t be able to get married. That is enough pressure on me that I kindly ask, please stop talking about me getting a job. I will figure out my future, I will, I promise. I have felt this for a few weeks now but today there was a straw that broke this camels back. Forgive me if this is the prednisone making me crazy and emotional.
The only thing to fear is fear itself.
F.E.A.R is False Evidence Appearing Real.
What is real? God and His promises to us. That is what I will stand on!